forty-five minutes of not-theatre-history

So close.
Like, nine hours away.
So close to freedom.
So close to life at home.
I'm becoming unattached.It's weird.Mom told me today that she decorated the Christmas tree yesterday.Without me.She did it because she thought I wanted her to (I didn't).But somehow... amidst the disappointment that lies within me not getting to carry on that special sacred Christmas tradition, I'm not crushed.Not like I would've been last year.I didn't cry. Didn't tear up.I was just like, oh. Hmm. 'Well, I didn't really want you to do that, but...'
It didn't ruin my Christmas.
God, I love Christmas.
I'm loving all the festivities I've already enjoyed this Christmas.
Let's go over them, shall we? Decorating the HOUSE, preparing cookie dough, buying presents, getting Christmas cards and letters in the mail, singing Christmas carols, shopping at K-Mart for Martha Stewart ornaments, taking a day trip to downtown Franklin for Christmas shopping, decorating my little silver tinsel tree with Julianna in our room, going to Christmas Village, watching "Elf," going Black Friday shopping, Tacky Christmas Sweater Party, Mistletoe Ball, ATO Christmas Semi-Formal, CVPA's Winter Social after Christmas at Belmont, seeing Christmas lights and houses decorated, Christmas cocktail parties (Christmas at the Palace, Christmas at the Biltmore... God, they were fun), throwing the AST Christmas Social, wearing red and green, going to the lighting of the greens ceremony, drinking hot chocolate, eating hot soup. Ahhhh, this is what Christmas is about.
Mom and I have Nutcracker tickets for Sunday.
Can't wait!!!
Oh, life... life is a little wonderful.
Amidst the emotionally taxing exams that I should have probably studied for more, making a few learning mistakes (okay, a few more than a few), having dating anxiety,suffering severe sleep deprivation,and all that jazz...
It's all good.
I LOVE my friends.
I LOVE my friends at college.I have adored spending countless hours with Heather cramming for PoliSci exams.I immensely enjoyed getting prepared for formals and sharing dresses and having my makeup done with Brenna and Ingrid and Brittany.I love the coffees, the lobby sitting sessions, the after-meeting chats and hugs and camaraderie. I love my Big, Joy, who gave me a wisdom teeth care package tonight.I love going to parties and seeing my sorority sisters and having people to talk to and laugh and play with.I love all the study sessions and study lunches and study breaks with people I love.Makes it all worthwhile.
I LOVE my friends from days of old.I cannot WAIT to see them all together tomorrow night for our annual crew Christmas party. Eight best friends. Eight best friends from kindergarten, from seventh grade, from high school. The oldest and the dearest.Catching up on our beautiful but separate lives.
I love my classmates, I love my professors. I love the girls down the hall who say hi and the one who writes smiley faces and "I heart 515" on our dry-erase board.
I love old high school friends who haven't changed very much but still make me smile. The ones I talk about when I tell people how senior year brought our class together so much.
I don't know how much I love the stress and the heartbreak and the aftermath of sleep deprivation and too many nights out, but it's worth it.
I'm a little bit of a mess, but I'm ok.
I am happy.
Maybe not all the time, maybe not even most of the time... but overarching all, I am happy.I am happy essentially. Elementally. On the inside.
I can't wait to see my thither and nephew.They're coming for New Year's.Hmm... I wonder what this means for actual New Year's. (Hey, Dani, want to come to a party? Can you still do that? I mean, I would imagine you could. Sometimes I want to take you away from married-life and bring you into my little world of collegeness. Not so that you'd want that for yourself or anything, not for any purpose but to let you in on this part of my life so you can see it. I want to share my life with you. I used to tell you I wanted college like Lauren Galapon had college. But now... now I like college like I have college. I like Kelly college. I know you liked Dani college and Kelly college is not the same as Dani college, but I want to show you Kelly college more than in pictures and words... so that you can actually see it, just for a little bit, so you can know that much more about me. I mean, I love my sorority sisters, but you are my real sister. And it would be cool to have my sister here with me sometimes.)I showed Mom the pictures of James tonight.
It's sort of funny how I write a blog and I'm okay with my MySpace friends-world being able to see all of the things that I write and whatnot, but I would never be okay with people like my parents seeing it. Or some of the guys I date. It's interesting.
I learned a valuable lesson tonight (what's this? Like number 4,649 of the year? God, I'm learning so many "valuable lessons" this semester). DO NOT HAVE ANY SELF-INCRIMINATING INFORMATION IN WRITING IN PLAIN VIEW, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR OWN ROOM.
God.
I didn't have to learn this one the hard way (THANK GOD!), but it was close.
Hmm.
Maybe sometimes if you do something that could be so self-incriminating, you probably shouldn't do it in the first place.
But this is the place for learning experiences. Just be willing to pay the price of consequence.
[I'm not willing to pay the consequences of all of my actions. Hmm. I should work on that. New Years resolution, perhaps?]
You know, I've been on more dates in this period of me not wanting to date than I have normally when I do want to date. What the heck?Dating gives me such anxiety.It hasn't been a very pleasant experience.Not altogether a bad one, either, but it does make me freak out a lot.I don't need to be in a committed relationship right now.I'm way too flippy-floppy and self-centered and still-not-over-my-ex-in-the-slightest.Shoot.
Boo.
Well, I need to study now.
Wish luck. Last exam... heck yes!

[Elapsed time: ten hours] I'm free I'm free! I did well! Heck yes!

all i (really) want is to be in the light.

My knees hurt from doing "the worm" on the wooden BlackBox floor.
Owww.
Today's not a good day. Yesterday wasn't a good day. Tomorrow's not going to be a good day. Neither will Wednesday or Thursday or Friday. Just let this week be over.
One of my best friends at college had her apartment broken into and was assaulted Friday morning.
It makes me very sad, and angry, and hurt, and upset, and unhappy.
She didn't deserve that. Not in the slightest.
It's unfair and unjust and painful. I hate it. I don't understand people that could do such heinous things to others. I don't get it.
I feel rather sad and lonely. I yearn for that singular, specifically-for-me person. I don't know for sure who is specifically made for me right now, so right now I miss Drew. It might not even be the actual Drew that I miss but the idea.
Not again.
God, I'm so sick of loving ideas instead of realities. Uggggggggggggh.
I don't want to date. No dating. I just want my stability, my commitment, my rock.
Where are you, rock? Reveal yourself to me.
I'm too busy to date.
I just want someone to love me.
And not just someone.
Uggggggggggggggh.
"Umbrella" makes my spirits a little higher.
Eating too many cookies? Definitely not heightening the spirits.
I'm not looking forward to my wisdom teeth extraction either.
I've been sort of a suck-A Christian lately.Why, then, is it surprising that I'm unhappy?
I need to get my act together.
I need to get over my wracking guilt about everything.
I need to study Comparative Politics.
I need to memorize a monologue from a film.
I need to learn Chapters 10 and 11 from my Spanish book.
I just want to go to bed. And that's probably what I'll do.
Soy ice cream's not that great, by the way.

I try to be like Grace Kelly... mmm...

Oh, formals season is officially over. What a shame. I had a good run. Love dresses, I do. Love formals. Love dancing. I am a dancing queen.
I met somebody at a party.
He's older.
That's my number one prerequisite for my attention these days.
I love Christmas.
Wish me lucks on exams. They're starting this week. Yikes.
Drew called yesterday.
Hmm.

I had my first gourmet cupcake Thursday.It was devil's food cake.Delicious, but not the best I've had.
I hosted my first sorority event as Social Chair today.
It didn't go as I would have dreamt it to (ideally, it would've been a Sugarplum Fairy Tea Party with pastel Christmas trees and Nutcrackers and hot fruit tea and chicken salad sandwiches and cream cheese sugar cookies shaped like snowflakes and the Nutcracker suite playing softly in the background), but considering that the party was pretty much pre-planned and I just had to go with it, it was a success.
I don't want to disappoint.
There's a high expectation of me.
I think I can do it, though.

OHH!!!!! I have an interview for an event planning internship this week! Heck yes! Wish me luck!

you know what I really miss? christmas concert band.

I'm listening to "Christmas Means to Me." God, I love Hanson at Christmas.It used to snow every time we'd play it.
It snowed on Monday morning. It was sort of pleasant, even though I wanted to jump off a bridge most of the morning, since I had to give my oral Spanish exam.
This room is SUCH a wreck. My still-packed suitcase is open and turned on its side, spilling out all the contents. Papers are everywhere, my desk drawer fell out underneath the desk, my bed's unmade, there's a pile of clothes on my bed. I am a SLOB. Uggggggggh.
What to do with myself? I just don't know.
I went on a date with a redhead ex-snare-player named Andrew last night. (Not Drew.)
I don't understand myself sometimes.
I'm never dating again.
That's a lie.
I had a really great time. But am I trying to date another Drew? Yes.
Unfair.
I give up.
Why doesn't Joe Biden come riding on his white stallion and save me?Probably because he's too old to go horseback riding.
Too old to date a nineteen-year-old. Especially since he's married.Shoot.
Why does all of Hanson have to be married too?
I'm going to clean my room. Love.

I wore my Christmas sweater today.

This one's going to be more fun.
I reread some old entries in this dear old blog of mine.
It's the reason I won't delete my MySpace.
I was really worried last winter that I had lost my identity.I think I got it back this year.
Yes, I am evolved. I am different. I have blonder, shorter hair. I don't look as surprised in pictures. I haven't worn my retainers since April (Forgive me, Dr. Blackman. And Mother). [That is a lie, too. I wore them once in July and a few times in October.]
But essentially... I'm the same as I used to be.I got my joy back.I started doing things.
I rushed.I joined a sorority.
Alpha Sigma Tau!
I went to all their social meetings (from two days after I got my bid to now).I ran for Social Chair, with the intentions of actually getting it by my junior or senior year.And now I'm Social Chair.I'm Social Chair of my sorority.This is a very Kelly thing to do.
I acted in a film this year.Took film-acting and LOVED it.
But... I decided not to be a professional actress.So I dropped my Theatre major.
Well, I'm in the process, technically...
And then I decided I didn't want to do a thesis paper for PoliSci.And so then I dropped my Political Science major, too.
Again, I'm in the process. And yes, I know that's a stupid reason to drop a major. But I also heard that governmental employers prefer candidates with non-governmental degrees. Which is sort of counterintuitive and not exactly a reliable piece of information, but still.
But over the summer I HAD decided what I wanted to do with my life... plan formal events!And SO... I decided to become....A COMMUNICATION STUDIES MAJOR!Okay, so yeah. Comm Studies isn't exactly Party Planning 101.But... it's really close to PR, and PR is for event-planning, only our PR program is too journalism-based for my liking and I couldn't graduate in four years with a PR degree anyways, so Comm Studies it is for me! That sounds good, doesn't it? I seem like a Comm Studies major type, right? I mean, I like communicating. I like writing(ish). And the only way I can improve my writing is by learning to write, and being forced to write. And communication skills are invaluable, you know. Everyone wants to hire someone who can communicate. And if I'm going to be an event planner, I'm going to be having to coordinate a lot of different people at once, and that's going to require a lot of great communication skills. And if I decided to run for public office, I'm going to have to be a skilled communicator to get people to a) listen to me and b) decide that I am a credible being and vote for me! Look at Obama... he's good at communicating. And he's President. So there. Doesn't that sound right? Oh, and also... Mom always told me how she picked her major (nursing) because her roommate was a nursing major to begin with (which introduced the idea to her), so I sort of wondered if that could happen to me in college, and sure enough, my first roommate was a Communications major!!!
Affirmation? Please?
But anyways, this year has been an introduction of the real Kelly to the college world. I fused high school Kelly into college Kelly. And dropped the not-eating and being-quiet and depression and unfortunately the studying-because-there-was-nothing-else-to-do. But even from Day 1 of getting back to school, people noticed a change. Everyone told me I was a completely different person. A lot of people told me I just looked so much happier. They noticed I wasn't scared anymore. And it was wonderful.
It was like reuniting with an old friend.
And I have been happier this year. I think I'm even happy right now, amidst being broken up with recently,...
Ok. So it's been almost three weeks.This is irrelevant to me.
not knowing what my final grade in my ridiculously hard Comparative Politics class will be (after making a D- on my midterm. YIKES!), recovering from being sick for 4 weeks of the past 2 months (not consecutively), not being able to sleep because of repressed anxiety, and having a lot of busyness and chaos looming above me. It's the strangest thing and completely inexplicable, but I am happy. Yay rah!

Mom and I decorated for Christmas today. I have grown much more confident in my seasonal display arranging skills, so I felt up to the task of creating little holiday worlds all around the house (my favorite of which being the wine rack, which has been transformed into a winter wonderland complete with silver tinsel wrappings, sparkling glitter stars and snowflakes, a small white glittery church as centerpiece, glittered snowmen, cream cherub figurines with gold pipe cleaner wing accents, and other pretty things along the theme of gold and silver). I was also instructed to arrange the garland around our doorframe. I have realized my obsession with nutcrackers and The Nutcracker. Ohhh, I just love everything about Christmas. There was a ten-minute period of desperation and feelings of loneliness and overwhelming grief (which is a small but persistent undertone of the holiday elation) after hearing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," but this did not bring me to a complete emotional breakdown as has happened in Christmases past. (The song was just a trigger... it itself didn't make me sad.) Oh, and then I baked some chocolate peanut butter cookies (I need them for a farewell party for a theatre friend in a week or so) and made up the batters for some gingerbread, sugar, and vegan cream cheese sugar cookies, and froze them all. This will be infinitely helpful, I do believe.Mom and I are going to K-Mart tomorrow for our annual Martha Stewart Christmas collection shopping trip. I can hardly wait!

Now, I really do NEED to go read my book for Comp-Pol. Goodnight all. Love.

lemon cream cupcakes

3/4 cup cake flour (not self-rising)
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 teaspoons freshly grated lemon zest
1/2 stick (1/4 cup) unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon plus 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
2 large eggs
1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon cream cheese (about 2 ounces), softened

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350° F. and line four 1/2-cup muffin tins with paper liners.
Into a bowl sift together flour, baking powder, and salt and whisk in 2 teaspoons zest. In another bowl with a fork blend butter, 1/2 cup sugar, and 1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon juice until smooth. With a wooden spoon beat in eggs, 1 at a time, until smooth. Stir butter mixture into flour mixture until batter is combined well.
In a small bowl with a fork stir together cream cheese and remaining 1/2 teaspoon zest, 1 tablespoon sugar, and 1 teaspoon juice until lemon cream is smooth.
Spoon 3 level tablespoons batter and about 1 tablespoon lemon cream into each paper liner. Spoon remaining batter over lemon cream, smoothing tops. Bake cupcakes in middle of oven 20 minutes, or until golden brown, and transfer to a rack to cool. Makes 4 cupcakes, serving 2 with leftovers.

Verdict? To be decided.

never again...

So, here's one of my many lessons learned in the first year of my undergraduate education...

Don't ever speed-date. It's a bad idea.
Too many free cookies, Laffy-Taffy's (even though they had yellow and banana IS my favorite EVER, too much of a good thing is not a good thing anymore!), too many GIRLS, and far too much of the essence of desperation and inevitable rejection. Yikes!
No one that goes to a speed-dating gathering is worthy of dating, ok? You're going to sit across from the creepy guy that wears a greasy ponytail and oversized black hoodie with some screamo band label on it, and that awkward two minutes of "dating" will consist of him telling you how much he hates the beautiful Southern private Christian school you're both attending.
And then, if you happen to meet an okay kind of guy... one that's halfway attractive and might possibly seem mature enough to at least carry on a conversation... if you mark his identification number, you're going to be facing one of two unfortunate possibilities. 1) He's either marked the identification numbers for EVERY GIRL IN THE PLACE, just to see who might be interested in him, or 2) You set yourself up for disappointment and rejection and hit yourself in the face for having written down his number when really you didn't but halfway consider him anyways! And then the entire group that's coordinating this event is going to be informed of your rejection, and it makes for a really awkward situation. And even if you do have a "match", if you see the person again, you will avoid each other like the plague afterwards, because really.. who goes speed-dating? I mean, seriously?

What a bad idea.
I'm glad I did it just to do it, though.
An interesting way to spend a Wednesday-before-Valentine's-Day.
A good story to tell, perhaps.

At least my real Valentine was much preferable to anyone I could've met speed-dating. I got to go out on a father-daughter date, and it was just splendid. We heard the Presidential chef Roland Meisner speak and give us a first-class dessert after dinner at Romano's, which is quite possibly my favorite restaurant. It was just perfect.

a preppy, summery questionnaire

1. Favorite preppy designers? Hmm. I love J. Crew and Anthropologie and the idea of Lilly Pulitzer, but I only actually own something from Anthro.
2. Favorite preppy accessories? I like ballet flats and pleated skirts and sweatervests.
3. Any hobbies? Party-planning, baking, dancing, reading blogs, shopping, decorating, and dating.
4. Enjoy crafting, if so anything in particular? Oh, yes! I adore Martha Stewart, and I'm big on sewing. And decorating, be it cakes, rooms, parties, etc.
5. Favorite books/magazines? Harry Potter, Catcher in the Rye, C. S. Lewis, Georgia Nicolson books, Lloyd Alexander, to name a few. Magazines... I subscribe to Teen Vogue. I love Mary Englebreit, Martha Stewart Living, Country Living, Real Simple, Lucky...
6. Any other favorite things? Oh yes... trees, dresses, teacups, anything vintage, pearls, rhinestones, damask prints, lobster and fish and bird motifs, cookies, cakes, dancing, really big crystal punch bowls, weddings, college, parties...
7. Collect anything? I college antique hats, beaded bags and other purses, dresses (modern and vintage), rhinestone jewelry, teacups.
8. Any kids/pets? Nope and I'm anti-pet. I might get a cat someday, but that's it.
9. Any allergies? A lot of makeups make me have allergic reactions... Sonia Kashuk cocoa brown eyeliner, deoxidized fruit, any earrings that aren't pure gold or platinum (even though that doesn't keep me from wearing them anyways!). I'm not a fan of cigarette smoke, either.
10. Favorite thing to do in the Summer? Travel.
11. What most makes you think of Summer? Oh, so many things... colorguard, strawberry pies, parties, fireflies, lazy mornings, bright colors, foreign countries.
12. Favorite treat/drink? Oh gosh. I love oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and Kahlua coladas (although I never have had one, officially).

chicken and batman

I want to try...

Chicken, Feta Cheese, and Sun-Dried Tomato Wrap

INGREDIENTS
1/2 (4 ounce) skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1 tablespoon sun-dried tomato dressing
2 sun-dried tomatoes (not oil packed)
1/4 cup boiling water
1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon crumbled feta cheese
1 cup loosely packed torn fresh spinach
1 (10 inch) whole wheat tortillas
1 tablespoon sun-dried tomato dressing


DIRECTIONS
In a large resealable plastic bag, combine chicken breast and tablespoon dressing. Seal, and refrigerate for several hours.
Preheat grill for high heat. Combine sun-dried tomatoes and hot water in a small bowl. Set aside for 10 minutes, drain, and cut tomatoes into thin slices.
Lightly oil grill grate. Discard marinade, and place chicken on grill. Cook for 12 to 15 minutes, turning once, or until done.
Cut chicken into strips, and place in a medium bowl with sliced tomatoes, feta, and spinach. Toss with remaining tablespoon dressing. Distribute mixture between the four tortillas, and wrap. Either cut in half and enjoy cold, or place briefly back on grill until the tortilla turns warm and crispy.



I also want a nap. Mmm.

We went to see the new Batman flick at the drive-in movie theatre last night. Heath Ledger was, indeed, incredible. Oscar-worthy for shizzle.

states

Started in Tennessee.
Flew to Georgia (for about two hours), then to New York (for two weeks).
Planning a Kentucky Derby party.

I spent the summer working at Opryland Hotel as a pool server, bringing happy rich vacationing folk mojitos and chicken wraps. Then my sister broke her foot, so now I'm in Philadelphia, New York, baking cookies (okay, burning), walking the Beagle, and trying to convince a 9-month-old to play with his toys rather than Martha Stewart's organization handbook. Not as easy as it may sound, let me tell you.

I dreamt the night before last that Laken dyed her hair platinum and cut it off like Eleni.
Last night was spent dreaming of Opryland customer haunts and Kentucky Derby Party planning. Hence my party-planning spree.

Kentucky Derby Party Planning

Virgin Mint Juleps

INGREDIENTS

1/4 cup water
1/4 cup white sugar
1 tablespoon chopped fresh mint leaves
2 cups crushed ice
1/2 cup prepared lemonade
Fresh mint sprigs, for garnish

DIRECTIONS

In a small saucepan, combine the water, sugar and 1 tablespoon of chopped mint. Stir and bring to a boil. Cook until sugar has dissolved, then remove from heat and set aside to cool. After about an hour, strain out mint leaves.
Fill 2 cups or frozen goblets with crushed ice. Pour 1/2 of the lemonade into each glass and top with a splash of the sugar syrup. Garnish each with a mint sprig and a straw. Serve on a silver platter.

teatro

I have successfully survived through my first real college play. Well, opening night, at least.
It was fabulous!
I love theatre.
That's probably why I'm majoring in it.
And acting in plays and whatnot, you know.
It's a good thing to love what you're doing. (Even when it's scary.)
I made it through "Hell Week," doing my five-hour rehearsals Sunday through Wednesday. And now the show is officially open.
I have a bouquet of five tulips to show for it.
And a big bruise on my knee... (long story.. I'll tell it later.)
But yes, I have done it and lived through it and did a pretty good job, even. The best run I've had thus far. A good time to start peaking.
I got some good laughs; that was nice. Father didn't understand the play at all, but I didn't really expect him to all that much. My parents came and supported me (and my grandmother), which was all that really mattered.
We didn't have a huge audience, but it was nice enough to have people to absorb energy from.
Call was at six.
We got dressed (me, Laura, Shanti, and Christine, that is) listening to Miley Cyrus and N'Sync and Rocky Horror Picture Show. Our fabulous best-ever stage manager, Kyla, gave us all water bottles and makeup brushes and best wishes. Rachel brought us candy bars (mine was a Kit-Kat [my favorite] that read "break a leg as you break off a piece of this Kit-Kat bar").
It was great. Really great. I love this.

break of the spring

A happy spring break 'twas.
A pretty accomplished one, too.
Here's what I did:
- Baked strawberry yogurt scones, carrot cake egg-shaped cupcakes, chocolate-cherry-oatmeal cookies, and eclairs. In my pretty floral apron.
- Sewed the most beautiful green rose-print sweetheart princess-cut Easter dress with Madre.
- Watched "August Rush" with my best friend and her beau.
- Attended sunrise service and regular Easter church.
- Saw extended family for Easter lunch!
- Changed my nephew's diaper, played with him bunches, and kissed him a gazillion times.
- Went backpacking and camping with my Padre.
- Danced crazily to my favorite music.
- Decided on a new swimsuit to pine for... a blue sailboat-print balconet and hipster from VS.
- Went to Paducah to hit up the shops downtown and see two of my aunts.
- Wrote a huge linked cohort paper for American Government/Psychology.
- Drank some nice orange spice tea.
- Had my darling Julianna over for spaghetti and conversation.
- Made and devoured a delicious Belgian waffle (and a half). With maple syrup. And strawberries. And chocolate chips on the half.
- Read specifically gorgeous parts of "Atonement".
- Cleaned my parents' house numerous times. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming. It's therapeutic and my self-assigned duty when I come home.
Here's what I pretty much adore:
- Birthday cake, for one.
- Paninis!
- Small dark chocolate "buttons". I am addicted to chocolate.
- Baskets. (It's my mother's fault.)
- The idea of a tennis bracelet.
I think I might possibly want some Sperry's.
And I need some stationery.
When I get married, I'm going to use all my fine china. All the time.
I love the idea of mint juleps and the Kentucky Derby, because it reminds me of my favorite teacher, Mr. Metzger, who taught me senior English.
Must read: One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Must try: Swiss muesli for breakfast. Mmm. I'm always looking for new delicious breakfasts.
So, here are some pretty elaborations about my break:
Strawberry yogurt scones were the bomb. Should've taken a picture. I took one to (best friend)Laken, stuck a candle in it, and gave it to her as part of her half-birthday present.
Carrot cake cupcakes were the bomb as well. Martha Stewart + my tweaking = DELICIOSO!Oh, and cream cheese icing can totally work with cocoa to make it chocolate. But so rich.
Chocolate-cherry-oatmeal cookies were quite good, but I won't make them again. Too much competition between the chocolate and the cherry. Takes away, really.
Haven't tried the eclairs yet. It was a Sunday afternoon project with Padre.
My dress is gorrrrrrgeous. Mom really made the better part of it, but I did help out. I'll post pictures. Oh! And Mom gave me her killer leather strappy t-strap sandals that I had convinced her to buy to wear to my sister's wedding last July (she only wore them once, at the wedding), and they go perfectly with my Abercrombie woven leather belt (which I finally figured out how to fasten properly) to make the dress look super-cute and casual. But when it's dressy, it looks fabulous with my nude patent leather flats. So cute!!
"August Rush" was a good movie. I don't know if I'd watch it again, but it was enjoyable.
Easter lunch was nice. A good portion the family (a cousin, her husband and two kids, her father and his wife) were gone to DisneyWorld (jealous!), but I did get to see my grandmother and one set of uncle-aunt-and-kids.
I freaking love my nephew.
Backpacking was glorious. So pretty. Not as challenging as I thought it'd be, but very enjoyable. Plus, I can brag about it to all my adventuresome boys.
Paducah: Ooooh. So, I went there the day before I had to leave to go back to college over Christmas holidays, and the cutest antique stores were closed (they close on Sundays and Mondays). I told Mom earlier over spring break that I wanted to go back at some point to finally get to see them. Well, I had also read to her about some awesome store on West End that sells Betsey Johnson dresses for $50, and told her I wanted to spend Friday with her... well, I had thought we'd be going to Nashville, but she misunderstood me and told her sister (my Aunt Charlotte) that we were going to Kentucky on Friday after she called her after work one day, and so we ended up going to Kentucky after all, and it was very nice. I got to go to all the cute little antique stores and eat lunch (a delicious Tuscan sandwich at this little German bakery called Kirchoff's... it was ham, portabella mushrooms, red bell peppers, and provolone on foccacia; Mom and I split one) with my two aunts (Charlotte and Betty, who just recently moved up there). The little Victorian antique place was the neatest; such pretty things, and the shopowner was from Switzerland and she talked the whole time we were there, about her meteorology-studying brilliant child and the winter wedding she had in Switzerland (snowflakes falling... soooo pretty). I got these GORGEOUS vintage rhinestone star-shaped earrings that look like some I saw from Tiffany's for $19, and a cream-colored pearl beaded clutch there, and some rhinestone drop earrings and a silver heart-shaped metal bowl from other shops, and I FINALLY got my beautiful little heart-shaped rhinestone shoe clips that I fell in love with in January but didn't buy because they were broken. I'm determined to fix them now, but I was too enamored to pass them up a second time. Kentucky was a success.
Spring break has been lovely. I'm sad to see it go. There are still some things I'd like to do, and places I'd like to go, but I suppose I can make it this one last month of my freshman year... crazy how fast it goes by. I wonder how much I've changed since it started. I know it's been a lot, but it's so hard to pinpoint it. I hope I don't have regrets about any of it; I know I've done some EXTREMELY stupid things this year, but I've learned a lot, and chilled out a lot, and grown up a lot. I could always do to grow up some more. I still have major food neuroticisms to overcome and I could definitely do to be nicer and more respectful (especially to my Father, who I just really often clash personalities with), but I'm on my way. I don't know who I'll be taking to my theatre prom (I'm SO glad I get a prom in college!!!!!), but I do have a killer dress (my black lace Betsey Johnson number I got for Christmas) and killer shoes (black kitten heels with cream polka dots and bows) and a couple of prospects. I'll probably end up bringing my darling but platonic friend Drew and have a ball with him, but it's just a little disheartening to not have any romantic potential with your prom date, you know? Hmm. I have my first college play to be in this month, which is super-exciting.

sweets

I like to make beautiful things.
I like beautiful things.

blue
the sky a pool of water the sea
fairy lights on a cruise boat
paddle boat
sperry's
penny loafers
lemon poppyseed
dominos
marinara
calamari
pina colada
key lime

That was a nice little word association game.
Mmm.
Things that make me happy.
The following words are so pretty:

tutus milk and honey grand pianos a biscuit mahogany cake bavarian tulle toile french toast picnic basket.

I'm so list-oriented. All I do is write lists, all the time. During class, after class, during church, in my leisure, at ballets and plays, during work... lists, lists, lists. They're all I think about.

I stumbled upon good luck twice today. And told him happy break. He said my plans of backpacking inspired and impressed him. (Swoon.) He's vair attractive.

It would be quite nice if I really liked lemon. Lemon is such a nice thing to like... so fresh, clean, crisp. Like fruit air. I like it in small doses... a lemon poppyseed muffin, a blueberry-lemon scone, a taste of a lemon mousse-filled pastry.

I really like the Easter bunny sugar cookies Martha Stewart has on her website. They have little pink ribbons around their necks. That's my favorite part. I like her bunny-shaped folded-paper chains, too. And I like the little redheaded girl wearing a pink bunny ear headband with blush and a painted-pink nose. I love everything about Martha Stewart's website. And all her products. I just adore Martha Stewart.

My last birthday I had a tea party, and I made these lovely cinnamon-glazed scones. They were splendid. I love scones for so many reasons. I love the idea of them... sugary, crumbly sweet biscuits, filled with fruit or cream or something lovely. Small, dainty. Well-acquainted with tea. Fruit tea is my favorite. Tea is such a nice thing to like... it's polite and ladylike and proper; sweet and cool and smooth. Teapots are lovely, and teacups are lovely, and don't get me started on saucers! Oh, saucers. Think of a little lemon-colored kitten drinking milk out of a ceramic pink-and-gold trimmed saucer. It just warms your heart. I keep my prettiest brooches and hairpins in this little blue and yellow happy-patterned saucer on top of the pink plastic drawer set on my desk.

I always love either the season I'm in, or the one upcoming. Right now, I am swooning over dear spring. Oh, spring. Nothing is lovelier, I tell you! Warm, most pleasant weather. It's simply delightful. And all of the flowers and pretty plants that we begin to take for granted once we've seen them all year by autumn, the ones that disappear with the harsh, retributing cold winter; they come back and smile and remind us why we love them so. Daffodils, buttercups... my favorite. They grow wild out in front of the chipped white-painted picket fence that lies in front of where my old house used to be, and wave at you as you drive by. There's a patch of them that grows in the pasture in a little grove, shaded slightly by some tall trees. I love secrets like that, secret flowers. Especially when they're naturally secret. What I mean is, I do love the secret patio in front of the Belmont mansion with its wrought-iron tables with umbrellas and fountains and planted flowers and Opryland Hotel-esque balconies; it's just that I know it was made with the intention of being a secret place, and that makes it a little less appealing. If it's a secret that just happens, that you can truly just stumble upon... something that doesn't know it's a secret... those are the best.

Do you know what I would love to celebrate most of all? I would like to celebrate tea time every day, a sacred time of day. Probably four o'clock. And every day at four o'clock, I'd have a cup of tea and a little treat... something like a sweet biscuit, or a miniature scone, or a muffin, or a cookie, or a cupcake. Something fabulous, something absolutely fabulous. The tastiest thing ever. Something so tasty you only need that small bite of it, and to cherish it wholeheartedly, and then you have satisfaction unlike any other. When I grow up, I'm going to celebrate tea time every single day. I will have a special celebratory location; someplace sweet, like a pretty corner with good lighting, or a window seat, or a floral-patterned chair in a breakfast nook, or a small mossy spot underneath the best shade tree.
I am so glad that I am a girl.

I had the best muffin of my entire life on a cruiseboat last summer, when I went to Mexico (the most beautiful place) with my best friend. It was light orange in color, a sweet muffin. I couldn't ever think of a name for it besides "sweet muffin", and I'm not sure what was in it. I think it might have been carrot, but the carrot wasn't obvious if that's what it was. I don't remember it being citrus-y (ruling out the orange possibility), but it has been quite several months and I only got that one muffin; they didn't serve it the last morning. But it was wonderful while it did last.

I want to write my future daughter a book, a collection of all the stories that matter to me. I think she'd better understand me if I did that. I think I will.

rekindled

I really know how to have a good time.

Favorite songs are like old friends.

Dear High School Sweetheart,

I'm wearing the pretty blue German crystal bracelet you gave me when you came back from Europe. I still think it's the prettiest thing I own. I only wear it on special occasions since it's a little bit sacred.

I'm listening to that firefly song you did your freshman year of college.

I still have that birthday card Laken gave me on my sixteenth birthday that has the picture of the girl in the leopard-print coat and the boy carrying the pile of packages and a scribbled "Dustin" and "Kelly" that Laken wrote above their heads. It's affixed to my bulletin board so it's right in my line of vision whenever I sit down at my desk. Which is all the time I'm in my room here.

I thought you're supposed to go away to college and you lose all the feelings you had for your high school lovers, but I was wrong. I'm not in love with you, but I do still love you. I wouldn't say I'm still hung up over you, but I do have mini-conniptions when we run into each other and I am still playing the tape you recorded me when you went away to college. I still call you on your birthday. I think that still says something. It's just... what is that something?

I won't go back. I would have, but you made a few decisions I can't live with. And I've probably made decisions you can't live with.
But I still wonder. Maybe I always will.

fantasizing

You know, canary yellow and chocolate brown are my favorite colors.

Wouldn't they make a splendid color palette for my future wedding?
Oooh ooh!

Imagine this:

Canary yellow bridesmaids' dresses (tealength) [picture courtesy of J. Crew]

Lemon desserts... or custardy desserts.... tasty things bright and yellow and cheery. Individual banana puddings. Chocolate truffles. Cheesecake. Lots of Father's cheesecake.

Daffodil bouquets (My most favorite flower!), chocolate brown satin ribbons.

A simple, creamy ivory silk charmeuse bias-cut draped gown for me, with a huge chocolate brown taffeta sash tied into a bow in the back.

Dark, dark chocolate brown suits for ze boys. Lemon meringue-tinted dress shirts, even possibly.

Pearls, most probably.

Ivory driving gloves. A canary yellow vintage convertible to drive away in.

A spring wedding, I think. For the daffodils, you know. They are my favorite.

"The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, And a wise friend's timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. Reliable friends who do what they say are like cool drinks in sweltering heat -- refreshing! Like billowing clouds that bring no rain is the person who talks big but never produces. Patient persistence pierces through indifference; gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses.

When you're given a box of candy, don't gulp it all down; eat too much chocolate and you'll make yourself sick; And when you find a friend, don't outwear your welcome; show up at all hours and he'll soon get fed up." Proverbs 25: 11-17

Oh, oh. Too much is not better than not enough.

and the rain rain rain came down down down

Marvelous Thursday, marvelous Friday.


Thursday.

75 degrees. Sundresses EVERYWHERE!

I wore: white Banana Republic v-neck top, yellow Banana Republic silk floral knife-pleat skirt, a denim jacket (collar popped), white antique beads, and grey/white striped skimmers.

Daffodils were out, smiling everywhere. I only had two classes, Acting and Math. Finished skits completely (C and I were the last to go), began Spoon River Anthology. Did some hands-on math learning (Mobius bands) and wrote my best friend a letter.

Spent the afternoon (once I finished my scholarship app) outside, lounging on Julianna's orange fluffy blanket and cartwheeling and stealing Drew's sweatshirt (pretending I was Best Friend in her boyfriend's sweatshirt). Then it was half a peanut butter sandwich in the caf, a two hour (rough) rehearsal (I need to learn how to fake-laugh believably), and off to Sanctuary to worship. And then lobby time, in which I had luck (as usual).



Friday.

About 60 degrees, cloudy cloudy.

One class, Gov't. Didn't pay attention, as usual. I need spring break! But I did write Best Friend another letter to stick in her envelope, and it was only an hour's worth of class, so it went by fast. Nondescript lunch. Met up with Julianna about two, hula hooped and listened to her read me an amazing and applicable bible proverb, then went to an AMAZING baseball game. We won.

Ate 1/3 an apple and a granola bar for dinner, but went out for cheesecake with the usual lunch-crew at Green Hills and had the chocolate Oreo Mudslide cheesecake (I was glad I tried something new, but I won't have it again)*. Then Julianna and I walked a quick lap around the mall, took a peek at our favorite store (PB Kids), swooned over the Easter goodies and sleigh cribs, and drove back to school to have some chill-time in the Lob. With strategic dancebreaks anytime anyone said "sunny." And a condensed game of CatchPhrase. And a teeny bit of luck by way of a 13-word conversation.


*Should have had...

tiramisu cheesecake (Cheesecake Factory) [it's my favorite!]

It's rainy rainy today.
I ran around campus with my umbrella after breakfast of granola, a blueberry muffin, and some mixed fruit. I need to work on a paper and studying today. Wish me luck and productivity.
I bet the baseball game's canceled due to inclement weather.
Oooh, it's just postponed until two. It says to check back at noon. Hmm.

time for a nap, I think...

I'm feeling a tendency towards regression. I want to relive and appreciate all my childhood memories. I'm not quite ready to foster these memories for a child of my own, but I realize they can't be mine anymore. I can't go back to Girl Scout camp or participate in an Easter egg hunt. The problem is that I don't understand where I DO fit.

I went to breakfast with a dear friend this morning. Breakfast is so sacred to me. Everything about it; the start of your day, the nourishment of your body, the peace of a new beginning.
I had an egg McBongo (an egg white with different kinds of cheese on an english muffin). Next time I'll opt out of the cheese, but it was quite good.
Coffee houses at nine o'clock are just so nice.

Spoon River time for Acting I! I've picked out my monologues (Elsa Wertman, Russian Sonia, and William and Emily). I'll be sad to see my previous skit done, but perhaps it is tired and my partner's heart's no longer in it.

Tomorrow is the beloved baseball game. Cannot wait. It's going to be 65 degrees. Sunny skies. I wish I had my sunglasses. I shall persevere, however.

lots of lists today (it was classtime)
wafer sandwich cookies
rocket popsicles
watermelon popsicles
the zoo
animal crackers
popcorn in a hotdog bun
dinosaurs
giraffes
rhinoceros
chandeliers
trick-or-treating
Neopolitan
french toast
kites
wrought iron
coffee shop
tea sandwich
crumpet
biscotti
english muffin
blackberry pie
horseback riding
red grapes
Saltines
J. Crew
sailboat
wave pool
tennis
paint can
painting
easels
raisin oatmeal
salmon
sandbox
Easter egg hunts
Easter baskets
picnic baskets
wicker
meteorology
vineyard
tangerines
scrapbooking
hot tea
scalloped edges
galoshes
baseball
pancakes
biscuits
rainforest
treehouses
treasure
babies
sandcastles
library
children's books
macaroni
apple orchard

firefly firefly

I have a weakness for frozen dessert.
Of course ice cream will always hold an enormous place in my heart, but really, whatever sweets I have, they need to be collllld.

Hence, my adoration for frozen cookies (especially oatmeal chocolate chip!). I've eaten a gazillion and eighteen hundred frozen sugar cookies this weekend, and I even prefer my tweaked-Martha whole-wheat soft chocolate chip after it's been sitting in the freezer for a bit.
Which sort of messes with the whole point of it being a SOFT cookie.
Oh well.

And I do love frozen Hershey's pie.

Refrigerated desserts do me well, too. I like a good chilly tiramisu or cheesecake or creme brulee. I like cold strawberry pie in the heart of summer (the kind you stick your fingers in and they come out all reddish pink and then you're quite literally red-handed). Mallory cake, as well as the classic coconut cake, belongs in the refrigerator as well.

Even my fruits I prefer to be cold.
Something about the crispness of a cold, stark apple cut into pristine little cubes makes me really happy.
It just makes things fresher.



I've been nursing my creative side this weekend. Mary Englebreit inspired me to make a little ruffle-flapped backpack Friday night, and that sent me on a ruffle kick Saturday. I'm in the process of completing a darling floral ruffled apron right now.

I need some Brian Wilson, I'm thinking. Good vibrations? Yes, much.


I also need some cream-colored tights. And a big, floppy straw hat with a big black ribbon. To wear with a black silk cocktail dress in the summer on a veranda having dinner and Shirley Temples with somebody really spectacular.




I don't want to be a political scientist or a senator or an actress or anything anymore. I want to be a designer for children's things. That's what I want.

no eclairs today

It snowed today. Best snow of the season. Best snow in a couple of years, really.

It warranted a cup of hot dark cocoa, a substantial sledding route, a couple of snowmen, a snow angel, a drive around the farm with my father, and a collaborative snow sculpture of a wedding cake (complete with snowbride and snowgroom atop the fourth tier).
True blue skies, blankets of snow, fir trees, an early morning, crisp air, that bright sheen into the windows, and hot drinks. Glorious.

I've got to get a grip on my healthy behavior decision-making. Not doing so well. Opting not to exercise, opting to bake and eat fourteen thousand pounds of cookies at a time, not taking off my makeup before bed, and sleeping all the time. It's dragging me down. I have to stop. I have to start anew. I wish I'd just DO it. I'm going to. Tomorrow. Well, of course, I'm going to exercise TONIGHT to prove to myself that I'm serious about it, but you know. The start of a new week just goes well with the start of a new behavioral pattern. Right?

Isn't it just sort of remarkable whenever something outrageously romantic happens to you? I'd rather say "glorious", but I use that a little too much here lately, so "remarkable" will have to do. But really.
I was walking to acting class on Thursday, reading my script aloud, when out of the blue, I hear, "KELLY!" I look up, and on the fourth floor of the parking garage, the boy that makes my face hurt is standing, waving. My mouth dropped open, I yelled, "Wait just a minute!" and bounded up the flight of stairs to get up there. I looked at him in astonishment (not something out of the ordinary when it comes to interactions with him) and he explained that he was in town and thought he'd drop by to leave a note on my car and happened to see me walking by.
This is also the boy I visited in January, the occasion that found me in his dorm room having a picnic on a quilt with chicken salad, two blue sparkly cupcakes, hummus, water bottles with blue plastic cups, and a baguette (yes, that's right, a baguette!), wrapped in parchment paper with a ribbon bow. As Judy Garland and the Postal Service and Norah Jones played quietly on his iPod from its windowledge perch. All of this at the college that distinctly resembles historic England, on a snowy day.
All the things that happen with this boy are that way; too perfect to actually seem real.
Which is why I decided I was more in love with the idea of the whole thing than the actuality of it and tossed it aside at the beginning of February. (Well, that, and the three strikes against him from our February outing to the State Capitol...)
So how did I respond to the ridiculously romantic occurrence on Thursday? I smiled and mentioned that I was on my way to class, and within two minutes, left to go to said class and that was that.
If I had been in love with him, I would have skipped it.
If we were in love with one another, we'd run away and do all sorts of ridiculously romantic things gallavanting around. And that would be all that mattered.
But we're not in love with one another.
We are not boyfriend and girlfriend.
We are not college sweethearts.
And frankly, I think we're both quite fine with that.

I won't give him up completely. But my heart wanders elsewhere in the meantime.

So. Onto the great American pastime!
I hear our baseball team didn't fare so well this afternoon in the grand city of Jacksonville. (from anonymous sources and by that I mean my darling friend Julianna, who managed to find a live-feed site that documents our team's progress.) But alas, alas, they will do splendidly this Wednesday when we play, and with much luck, both my darling friend's and my crushes will get some game time we can witness.
Ooooh, I love baseball.
It's supposed to be sixty-three degrees this Wednesday. Let's hope so.
The past two games I've been to, I've frozen halfway to death, regardless of the layer upon layer of clothing that I wear and pack and apply as the games progress.
Silly winter. It's time for spring. Especially now that my darling significant snow day has arrived and gone... it is officially time for warm weather that stays.

I'm so tired of school. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, but schooling isn't it. Of course it's an essential step in accomplishing whatever it is I have to do to do what I want to do with my life, but still.
I love the weekend.

a list inspired by my ex-roommate
kentucky derby
sundresses
sunglasses
sun hats
pillbox hats
big, floppy straw hats
mint juleps
Mr. Metzger
gin and tonic
horses
flowers
wreaths
hooves
horseshoes
bleachers
cucumber sandwiches