i could be unshakeable

I had a sneaking suspicion tonight.The sneaking suspicion was that I don't actually like myself.This is a problem.This problem is magnified on the days that I don't have a million things to distract myself like during the week.During the week, I can occupy my thoughts with "must turn this form in!" or "finish Nutrition module homework!" or "read this chapter!" or "go to class!" or "go work out!" or "check BlackBoard in the computer lab!" or any other number of tasks.The week's always the busiest time.I have signatures to obtain to get events approved, classes to attend, an internship to work, meals to eat, friends to visit.And then the weekend comes along.I have to have something to do on the weekends or I get antsy.I freak out.I'll drive from Nashville to Chapmansboro to Murfreesboro, driving driving driving, just to have something to do.I'll go to Trader Joe's, stock up on veggie burgers and apples and Ezekiel bread.I call up Meredith, and find a party.I call up Caleb, and find a party.I call up Michael, and find a party.I call up Melanie, and find a party.I have to have someplace to go, some thing to do. Somewhere to go.I have to distract myself.When I go home, I binge eat. I bake, so I have something to do, and then I binge eat. And then once I'm done eating myself sick, I exercise. Hours and hours and hours. Hours prepping, hours baking, hours eating, hours exercising.No time for anything else.No time for thinking.Just do, do, do, do, do, do, do.I have to have something to do.Why do I always have to have everything to do?What am I distracting myself from?What am I trying my hardest not to feel? Why don't I like myself?If anyone should like me, it should be me.Is this, like, a major component of self-discovery?Deciding you like or don't like yourself?
Aren't you supposed to like yourself?
It seems like life would go so much smoother if you did.
Why wouldn't I like myself?
I mean, I know myself best.
I should be my own best friend.
I understand myself the most. I know what I'm thinking.
I know all my flaws and all my strengths.
Do I even know who I am?
Maybe that's the problem.
I don't guess I do.
I'm trying like crazy to figure that out.
Why's it so freaking hard to know yourself? Do normal people know themselves? How long does it take to figure it out?
God, I need to go back to counseling. I don't like using people.
I don't like treating people like objects.
I feel like I do that sometimes.
Pretty often, if I want to be honest.
That's part of the reason I don't like myself.
I think I'm mean.
And I treat people like objects, using them and discarding them.
I don't want to think I'm like that, but I think I am. Maybe I'm afraid I am.
So what is that supposed to mean?
That I'm a horrible person and I should like myself because of it? What? How is that logical?
I need something. Someone? Someone who understands? Someone to talk things through with? Someone who knows me?
Sometimes I'm afraid no one really knows me at college.
Is that all I want?

"what's going on inside of me? i despise my own behavior. this only serves to confirm i'm still a man in need of a savior."

Amazing how some lyrics can pinpoint exactly what's going on in me.
I've always loved that song, "In the Light" (dc Talk).
It used to come on the radio just when I needed it.
Then I went out and bought the CD.
At Wal-Mart.With a gift card Ben Shearron gave me for h.s. graduation.
I do need God.I'm not ashamed of that.I'm not embarrassed about that.
I think I've been embarrassed about that.
That's so stupid.
SO stupid.
I think it stemmed from wanting to impress this one boy several years ago that would criticize me for loving/needing God.
I decided that using God as a reason behind doing things was stupid... that it was a cop-out almost.
But you know what?The only time I've been really, truly happy... the only time my heart has actually felt whole... those are the times I feel on the same page as God.
God's the only thing that can give me peace.
My friend Jameson was telling me this story the other day about an alcoholic drinking himself obliterated at a bar, and how he had this vision of Jesus sitting on a barstool beside him telling him "When you're done with that, I have something better for you."
It gave Jameson chills.It gives me chills, too.
Just imagine that.
You can have all the alcohol, all the drugs, all the sex, all the porn, all the food, all the attention in the world... but there's something better out there. There is something better than anything you can accumulate in this world.
Isn't that incredible? Absolutely incredible.
There is something more than this world.
There is something more than this world.
There is something more than this life.There is something more than you can get in this life.
There is something more.
There is hope. Because there is something more.
It overwhelms me completely.
I cannot fathom the greatness that exists.
And it does exist.
I am never going to be happy until I'm pursuing the life I know I need to lead.I'm never going to be perfect.
I'm never going to be flawless. I'm never going to be completely worthy, or even necessarily worthy at all. But I can't be paralyzed by that.
I am better than the way I've been living.
And something better is out there for me.
How can I expect to be happy living a life I don't think is mine?I do all these things, and I pretend it's me, but I know it's not.
I don't even claim the behavior as my own.
I do it, and then I say, "Oh, but that's not really me."
I try not to take responsibility for it because I don't feel like I have to, because I detach myself from it.
I am so much better than the way I've been.
I need help.
It's not going to be easy doing things differently.
It's so easy to get caught up in patterns and routines and the status quo.But things can be different.
I can be different.
I can be better.
A couple weeks ago, I had lunch with a friend named Kim. She's an honors student, a driven, accomplished girl that studies ALL the time; she's constantly doing homework or writing papers or preparing for tests and presentations, and consequently, she suffers from a lot of anxiety. Kim freaks out all the time, and then she freaks out that she's freaking out, and that makes her freak out. But somehow, amidst all of this, she exudes this peacefulness that puts everyone around her at ease. She is peace. And once someone told her this, she was astonished, but it changed her.
I told her that day at lunch about my issues... my problems with surrendering control, struggling with moderation, feeling completely helpless and out of control. And she told me I could be unshakeable. There's something about me to her that is so immovable, so powerful and stable. If I can channel it, if I can realize it, I could be unshakeable.
I'm going to try for it.