forty-five minutes of not-theatre-history

So close.
Like, nine hours away.
So close to freedom.
So close to life at home.
I'm becoming unattached.It's weird.Mom told me today that she decorated the Christmas tree yesterday.Without me.She did it because she thought I wanted her to (I didn't).But somehow... amidst the disappointment that lies within me not getting to carry on that special sacred Christmas tradition, I'm not crushed.Not like I would've been last year.I didn't cry. Didn't tear up.I was just like, oh. Hmm. 'Well, I didn't really want you to do that, but...'
It didn't ruin my Christmas.
God, I love Christmas.
I'm loving all the festivities I've already enjoyed this Christmas.
Let's go over them, shall we? Decorating the HOUSE, preparing cookie dough, buying presents, getting Christmas cards and letters in the mail, singing Christmas carols, shopping at K-Mart for Martha Stewart ornaments, taking a day trip to downtown Franklin for Christmas shopping, decorating my little silver tinsel tree with Julianna in our room, going to Christmas Village, watching "Elf," going Black Friday shopping, Tacky Christmas Sweater Party, Mistletoe Ball, ATO Christmas Semi-Formal, CVPA's Winter Social after Christmas at Belmont, seeing Christmas lights and houses decorated, Christmas cocktail parties (Christmas at the Palace, Christmas at the Biltmore... God, they were fun), throwing the AST Christmas Social, wearing red and green, going to the lighting of the greens ceremony, drinking hot chocolate, eating hot soup. Ahhhh, this is what Christmas is about.
Mom and I have Nutcracker tickets for Sunday.
Can't wait!!!
Oh, life... life is a little wonderful.
Amidst the emotionally taxing exams that I should have probably studied for more, making a few learning mistakes (okay, a few more than a few), having dating anxiety,suffering severe sleep deprivation,and all that jazz...
It's all good.
I LOVE my friends.
I LOVE my friends at college.I have adored spending countless hours with Heather cramming for PoliSci exams.I immensely enjoyed getting prepared for formals and sharing dresses and having my makeup done with Brenna and Ingrid and Brittany.I love the coffees, the lobby sitting sessions, the after-meeting chats and hugs and camaraderie. I love my Big, Joy, who gave me a wisdom teeth care package tonight.I love going to parties and seeing my sorority sisters and having people to talk to and laugh and play with.I love all the study sessions and study lunches and study breaks with people I love.Makes it all worthwhile.
I LOVE my friends from days of old.I cannot WAIT to see them all together tomorrow night for our annual crew Christmas party. Eight best friends. Eight best friends from kindergarten, from seventh grade, from high school. The oldest and the dearest.Catching up on our beautiful but separate lives.
I love my classmates, I love my professors. I love the girls down the hall who say hi and the one who writes smiley faces and "I heart 515" on our dry-erase board.
I love old high school friends who haven't changed very much but still make me smile. The ones I talk about when I tell people how senior year brought our class together so much.
I don't know how much I love the stress and the heartbreak and the aftermath of sleep deprivation and too many nights out, but it's worth it.
I'm a little bit of a mess, but I'm ok.
I am happy.
Maybe not all the time, maybe not even most of the time... but overarching all, I am happy.I am happy essentially. Elementally. On the inside.
I can't wait to see my thither and nephew.They're coming for New Year's.Hmm... I wonder what this means for actual New Year's. (Hey, Dani, want to come to a party? Can you still do that? I mean, I would imagine you could. Sometimes I want to take you away from married-life and bring you into my little world of collegeness. Not so that you'd want that for yourself or anything, not for any purpose but to let you in on this part of my life so you can see it. I want to share my life with you. I used to tell you I wanted college like Lauren Galapon had college. But now... now I like college like I have college. I like Kelly college. I know you liked Dani college and Kelly college is not the same as Dani college, but I want to show you Kelly college more than in pictures and words... so that you can actually see it, just for a little bit, so you can know that much more about me. I mean, I love my sorority sisters, but you are my real sister. And it would be cool to have my sister here with me sometimes.)I showed Mom the pictures of James tonight.
It's sort of funny how I write a blog and I'm okay with my MySpace friends-world being able to see all of the things that I write and whatnot, but I would never be okay with people like my parents seeing it. Or some of the guys I date. It's interesting.
I learned a valuable lesson tonight (what's this? Like number 4,649 of the year? God, I'm learning so many "valuable lessons" this semester). DO NOT HAVE ANY SELF-INCRIMINATING INFORMATION IN WRITING IN PLAIN VIEW, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR OWN ROOM.
God.
I didn't have to learn this one the hard way (THANK GOD!), but it was close.
Hmm.
Maybe sometimes if you do something that could be so self-incriminating, you probably shouldn't do it in the first place.
But this is the place for learning experiences. Just be willing to pay the price of consequence.
[I'm not willing to pay the consequences of all of my actions. Hmm. I should work on that. New Years resolution, perhaps?]
You know, I've been on more dates in this period of me not wanting to date than I have normally when I do want to date. What the heck?Dating gives me such anxiety.It hasn't been a very pleasant experience.Not altogether a bad one, either, but it does make me freak out a lot.I don't need to be in a committed relationship right now.I'm way too flippy-floppy and self-centered and still-not-over-my-ex-in-the-slightest.Shoot.
Boo.
Well, I need to study now.
Wish luck. Last exam... heck yes!

[Elapsed time: ten hours] I'm free I'm free! I did well! Heck yes!

all i (really) want is to be in the light.

My knees hurt from doing "the worm" on the wooden BlackBox floor.
Owww.
Today's not a good day. Yesterday wasn't a good day. Tomorrow's not going to be a good day. Neither will Wednesday or Thursday or Friday. Just let this week be over.
One of my best friends at college had her apartment broken into and was assaulted Friday morning.
It makes me very sad, and angry, and hurt, and upset, and unhappy.
She didn't deserve that. Not in the slightest.
It's unfair and unjust and painful. I hate it. I don't understand people that could do such heinous things to others. I don't get it.
I feel rather sad and lonely. I yearn for that singular, specifically-for-me person. I don't know for sure who is specifically made for me right now, so right now I miss Drew. It might not even be the actual Drew that I miss but the idea.
Not again.
God, I'm so sick of loving ideas instead of realities. Uggggggggggggh.
I don't want to date. No dating. I just want my stability, my commitment, my rock.
Where are you, rock? Reveal yourself to me.
I'm too busy to date.
I just want someone to love me.
And not just someone.
Uggggggggggggggh.
"Umbrella" makes my spirits a little higher.
Eating too many cookies? Definitely not heightening the spirits.
I'm not looking forward to my wisdom teeth extraction either.
I've been sort of a suck-A Christian lately.Why, then, is it surprising that I'm unhappy?
I need to get my act together.
I need to get over my wracking guilt about everything.
I need to study Comparative Politics.
I need to memorize a monologue from a film.
I need to learn Chapters 10 and 11 from my Spanish book.
I just want to go to bed. And that's probably what I'll do.
Soy ice cream's not that great, by the way.

I try to be like Grace Kelly... mmm...

Oh, formals season is officially over. What a shame. I had a good run. Love dresses, I do. Love formals. Love dancing. I am a dancing queen.
I met somebody at a party.
He's older.
That's my number one prerequisite for my attention these days.
I love Christmas.
Wish me lucks on exams. They're starting this week. Yikes.
Drew called yesterday.
Hmm.

I had my first gourmet cupcake Thursday.It was devil's food cake.Delicious, but not the best I've had.
I hosted my first sorority event as Social Chair today.
It didn't go as I would have dreamt it to (ideally, it would've been a Sugarplum Fairy Tea Party with pastel Christmas trees and Nutcrackers and hot fruit tea and chicken salad sandwiches and cream cheese sugar cookies shaped like snowflakes and the Nutcracker suite playing softly in the background), but considering that the party was pretty much pre-planned and I just had to go with it, it was a success.
I don't want to disappoint.
There's a high expectation of me.
I think I can do it, though.

OHH!!!!! I have an interview for an event planning internship this week! Heck yes! Wish me luck!

you know what I really miss? christmas concert band.

I'm listening to "Christmas Means to Me." God, I love Hanson at Christmas.It used to snow every time we'd play it.
It snowed on Monday morning. It was sort of pleasant, even though I wanted to jump off a bridge most of the morning, since I had to give my oral Spanish exam.
This room is SUCH a wreck. My still-packed suitcase is open and turned on its side, spilling out all the contents. Papers are everywhere, my desk drawer fell out underneath the desk, my bed's unmade, there's a pile of clothes on my bed. I am a SLOB. Uggggggggh.
What to do with myself? I just don't know.
I went on a date with a redhead ex-snare-player named Andrew last night. (Not Drew.)
I don't understand myself sometimes.
I'm never dating again.
That's a lie.
I had a really great time. But am I trying to date another Drew? Yes.
Unfair.
I give up.
Why doesn't Joe Biden come riding on his white stallion and save me?Probably because he's too old to go horseback riding.
Too old to date a nineteen-year-old. Especially since he's married.Shoot.
Why does all of Hanson have to be married too?
I'm going to clean my room. Love.